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I sang along to the worship song, not mindlessly but not completely focused either. Suddenly, tears began running down my face, and my brain registered the words my heart was already wrestling. Standing in the dark auditorium in the first church service of the year, I remembered something that hadn’t made my best-of list for the previous year, my Christmas letter, or my annual photobook for the grandparents.
Like everyone, I’d spent the past few weeks reflecting on the year, gathering up all my highlights and favorites, my blessings and gratitude. Never one to pretend like life is perfect, I’m usually quick to acknowledge the struggles I’m facing. (Like the year that my daughter broke her leg and spent nearly ten months in some form of a cast? Incredibly difficult, which I told every single person who asked and many who didn’t.) But who wants to hear about the year that my faith was, in fact, deeply shaken?
Shelf - Card - Joy - Lord - Year
You can search every shelf, but you won’t find a card that shouts, “Joy to the Lord! This year I doubted God!”
The truth of 2019 for me was that for the first time in my life, I questioned God’s goodness. I questioned His sovereignty. I questioned my own adherence to beliefs that weren’t doing a thing in the face of a particular grief.
Family - Disney - World - Book - Wedding
I also took my family to Disney World! And published a book! And celebrated my twentieth wedding anniversary!
How could all of that be true at the same time? In the same year? How could a big, wonderful, beautiful year also contain some serious anguish and doubt that shook me to my core? How could one small season hold the weight of enormous blessings...
Wake Up To Breaking News!
I find it extremely funny when people keep voting and expecting the government to change!