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Welcome to the 80s, kids! Which, if you're basing your knowledge of the decade solely on American Horror Story: 1984, was full of synth-pop, spandex, just, like, so much hairspray, and ah, yes, groups of hot co-eds being terrorized at a summer camp. What a time! When I first heard AHS was going full slasher film for Season 9, I was pumped. I mean, the camp! The gore! The weird sex stuff! What show is better equipped to do an homage to 80s slasher flicks than American Horror Story? None, I say! But remembering that every season of AHS is like a regular horror show on steroids, that excitement was almost immediately followed by crippling fear. AHS going full slasher flick? Think of all the blood.
We're one episode in and it turns out I wasn't wrong about either of those immediate reactions. The whole thing opens with our serial killer Mr. Jingles murdering an entire cabin of teenagers--one via knife through the eye--and collecting their ears as trophies, so, uh, no they aren't messing around with the gore this season. As much as I would love to sit here and talk about the glorious spandex choices made in this hour (seriously, I could talk about spandex for much longer than is probably appropriate), or Olympic Medalist Gus Kenworthy portraying a man named Chet who wears crop tops (!!), we should get to some of the major developments of the premiere.
Meet - Brooke - Emma - Roberts - College
Meet Brooke (Emma Roberts), a seemingly innocent college student who has just moved to Los Angeles and is having the straight-up worst time. First, Montana (Billie Lourd), a girl with dreams of being a world-class aerobics competitor, calls Brooke out for "ogling [her] friend Chet's mound" during aerobics class. Montana is already a national treasure. Then, Brooke goes home to her...
Wake Up To Breaking News!
Speaking only as an infidel......